Shut Up About Charlize Theron Being Better-Looking Than Kristen Stewart

I’m working on my review of
Snow White Of The Ring: The Fellowship Of Snow White
but let me just note
that lots of other reviews and comments
mention that the movie isn’t believable because
Charlize is so much better-looking than Kristen.
To all those people: shut up.

First of all, the movie explains
(well, this movie’s idea of explaining something is
different than what you’d normally expect but
within the explanatory expectations of this world:)
that Snow White’s beauty is more about personality
than about tits. And indeed, everybody
seems more taken with her Hippe Joan of Arc
presence than they do with her outright
fuckability.

And yeah, the Queen’s outer beauty is her weapon
which is one shard of the feminist shrapnel
scattered throughout the movie
and so inner beauty is suggested to trump outer beauty
which is maybe still coherently feminist and maybe not
(there’s a minor, irritating reference to SW’s purity, which
means this movie MIGHT be about the EVIL of feminism
I don’t know, I’m unpacking it, probably not, because there
is some androgyny stuff late in the flick that is rather
interesting).

But all of that aside: they are BOTH ridiculously beautiful celebrities
and comparing them and finding one wanting in the balance
is like saying, he has fifty million dollars and I only have 49, I’m so poor!
They are both more attractive than YOU, movie critics.
Movie critics have been on a body-shaming tear lately
going after J Law for looking too thick in The Hunger Games.
Fuck off with that noise.
No, I mean it makes sense, because the last time I walked by
a gym, it was all movie critics in there.
And internet commenters
on the exercise bikes.