I’m drinking Jaegermeister and watching Nymphomaniac Vol. 2—I hope your Sunday night is as weird if not more so.

I took Advil at my Grandmother’s house and she just gave me the whole bottle—she’d written “thins blood, don’t use” on it—so I took some and only later did Christy point out the expiration date: 2005!

I just went outside carrying my AppleTV remote and tried to unlock my car with it

What’s the last word you looked up ten seconds after using it to make sure you used it correctly?

Mine was “abscond.”

So here’s something: I’ve started sleepwalking. In the most recent incident, I got up and brought a bottle of tea tree oil into bed. Later I really woke up, and woke up Christy, because the air had this chemical burning smell I couldn’t place, and I was scared. That’s when I found the tea tree oil. Now my sinuses feel all burned out from breathing it in all night—there is a such thing as too much aromatherapy, I guess—and I’m worried I’m going to end up in a sleeping bag like Mike Birbiglia. Good thing I live on the first floor.

Free music! Go cop this mixtape ya cheapskates!

This is so great. Everything about this is so great. I am so glad that these kinds of videos can keep impressing me after so many of them already have.

TURN INTO SOMETHING, The August Vlog

Post-Op Vampire Selfie